Co parenting with a Controlling Ex

How to Spot It and What to Do

Co-parenting is already tough, but when the other parent tries to control everything—your schedule, your parenting choices, even your relationship with your child—it can feel impossible. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells or feeling like you have no say in decisions, you might be dealing with a controlling co-parent.

This kind of behaviour can range from obvious power plays to subtle manipulation. It can wear you down emotionally, make co-parenting stressful and, most importantly, affect your child’s wellbeing. The good news? There are ways to manage it and protect your peace.

Signs of a Controlling Co-Parent

Control can show up in many ways, some obvious, some sneaky. Here’s what to look for.

1. They Ignore or Twist the Parenting Plan

A controlling ex will often act like the agreed-upon schedule doesn’t apply to them. They might:

• Change pick-up and drop-off times at the last minute without discussing it
• Keep the child longer than allowed or demand extra time without giving you the same courtesy
• Use guilt or excuses like “the child wants to stay longer” to push boundaries

What You Can Do: Stick to the parenting plan like glue. If changes need to happen, stick to your boundaries and insist on written communication like text or email so there is a record. If they keep pushing, you may need legal support.

2. They Control Communication

Do you dread getting a text from your ex because it is always demanding or critical? A controlling co-parent might:

• Bombard you with messages and expect an immediate response
• Only communicate on their terms, ignoring your messages until it suits them
• Use the child as a messenger, making them relay information instead of speaking to you directly

What You Can Do: Set boundaries. Decide when and how you will respond, maybe once a day at a set time. Keep messages short and only about the child. If they refuse to communicate respectfully, consider a co-parenting app that keeps everything documented.

3. They Try to Turn Your Child Against You

This one is heartbreaking. A controlling parent may:

• Say negative things about you in front of the child
• Make the child feel guilty for enjoying time with you
• Act like they are the fun parent while making you the strict one

What You Can Do: Keep showing up for your child with love and consistency. Don’t badmouth the other parent, that puts the child in the middle. Instead, remind them they are allowed to love both parents.

4. They Micromanage Your Parenting

Your ex might act like they still have a say in how you parent when your child is with you. This could look like:

• Criticising your meals, bedtime routine or discipline
• Telling the child to call them constantly when they are with you
• Demanding updates on everything you do

What You Can Do: Stand firm in your parenting choices. Unless it is a real safety concern, they don’t get a vote in what happens in your home. If they complain, respond with something neutral like “I have this covered, thanks.”

5. They Use Money to Control

If child support is involved, they might:

• Pay late or not at all, knowing it makes things harder for you
• Try to control how you spend money on the child
• Use financial threats to get their way

What You Can Do: use Child Support Australia to collect your child support. They will keep track of payments, follow up on missed payments etc, allowing you to outsource this task and offload the stress. If they try to control you through money, keep finances separate and don’t engage in arguments about it.

How to Take Back Control Without Starting a War

Dealing with a controlling ex is frustrating, but fighting fire with fire usually backfires. Here are some ways to stay strong and protect yourself.

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Control only works if you allow it. Decide what is and isn’t acceptable, then hold your ground. Example:

• If they send long, demanding messages, reply only to what is necessary and ignore the rest
• If they show up unannounced, don’t answer the door

It might feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you enforce boundaries, the more peace you will have.

Stay Calm and Predictable

A controlling person thrives on reactions. The more emotional you get, the more power they feel. Try this:

• When they push your buttons, take a deep breath before responding
• Keep your tone neutral, no matter how they act
• Stick to facts and avoid arguments

If they send a nasty message, don’t get sucked in. A simple “I will follow the parenting plan as written” is often enough.

Use Technology to Your Advantage

Co-parenting apps like CoOperate keep records of all communication. If things ever go to court, these records can be helpful. Plus, knowing everything is documented often makes people behave better.

Protect Your Child from the Conflict

Even if your ex tries to pull them into the drama, don’t take the bait. If your child comes to you upset about something the other parent said, respond with reassurance, not anger. For example:

• Child: “Mum said you don’t love me because you don’t buy me new toys.”
• You: “That is not true at all. I love you so much. Love is not about toys, it is about spending time together, and I love our time together.”

Get Support

You don’t have to deal with this alone. Talk to friends, family or a therapist who understands high-conflict co-parenting. Having people in your corner makes a big difference.

Co-parenting with a controlling ex isn’t easy, but you don’t have to let their behaviour run your life. By setting boundaries, staying calm and focusing on your child’s wellbeing, you can create a more peaceful co-parenting dynamic no matter how the other parent acts.

Remember, you are not powerless. You are a great parent. And your child will see that, no matter what anyone else tries to do. Stay strong, you have got this.