Co-parenting with an Alcoholic

Family Expert Sharyn Green-Arndt on Navigating Life with an Alcoholic Ex.

Co-parenting is rarely a smooth ride. But what happens when your co-parent has a substance abuse problem? We sat down with family relationship expert Sharyn Green-Arndt, who’s spent over three decades helping parents navigate the messy, emotional landscape of separation. This time, we asked her to talk about one of the toughest challenges out there: co-parenting with an alcoholic.

Q: Let’s just start with it — is it even possible to co-parent with someone who’s dealing with alcohol misuse?

Green-Arndt:

Yes — but let me clarify: co-parenting, in the traditional sense of working closely together, may not be realistic. When alcohol is part of the picture, I often encourage what we call parallel parenting instead — where both parents have separate responsibilities and minimal direct interaction. You’re not aiming for teamwork; you’re aiming for stability.

I had a client, let’s call her Jess, who came to me because her ex would show up drunk to pick up their seven-year-old. At first, she tried reasoning with him — texting reminders, asking him to drink less. It just didn’t work. Eventually, we moved to supervised handovers at a contact centre. Was it ideal? No. But it kept her son safe. And that has to be the priority.

Q: So safety comes first. What does that look like practically?

Green-Arndt:

You need a detailed parenting plan — ideally something legally supported. It should cover what happens if the other parent is intoxicated, how handovers occur, and who is responsible for transport. Keep it concrete.

One father I worked with, Mark, included a clause in his parenting agreement that visits would be cancelled if his ex turned up smelling of alcohol. He’d tried so many times to “go with the flow,” but the stress on his daughter was immense. Once that boundary was formalised, he had something to lean on when things got messy — and his daughter stopped dreading the weekends.

Q: What about the emotional toll on kids? Should they be told what’s going on?

Green-Arndt:

Definitely — in an age-appropriate way. Kids aren’t clueless. They notice when a parent is acting erratic, cancelling plans, or saying things that don’t make sense. I always say: Tell them the truth, but not the trauma.

A few years ago I worked with a13-year-old boy who was internalising a lot of guilt. His mum struggled with alcohol, and he thought it was his job to fix her — bring her water, remind her to take a shower, things like that. It was heartbreaking. We worked with his dad to help him say something like, “Mum has an illness that affects her behaviour. It’s not your job to manage it, and I’m here to keep you safe.” Just that one conversation lifted a huge weight off the boy’s shoulders.

Q: I imagine the co-parent without the addiction can feel very alone in all this. What would you say to them?

Green-Arndt:

I say this a lot: You’re parenting for two right now, and that’s exhausting. Get support. Whether that’s a therapist, a co-parenting coach, or a community like Al-Anon — don’t do this solo.

One mother, Sophie, told me she felt like a “bad person” for keeping her kids away from their dad when he was drinking. She kept second-guessing herself. We worked together to build a “crisis playbook” — what to do when he showed up drunk, who to call, how to talk to the kids. It helped her reclaim some control. And she stopped apologising for protecting her kids.

Q: You mentioned ‘parallel parenting’ earlier. How does that work in practice?

Green-Arndt:

It’s all about reducing conflict. You keep communication to a minimum — often using parenting apps like CoOperater or email. You avoid face-to-face contact unless absolutely necessary. Think of it like running two separate households under one loose umbrella.

In one family I worked with,the two parents agreed to separate birthdays and holidays. No combined parties, no expectation to “be civil” in front of the kids when it wasn’t realistic. Once the pressure to “co-operate” was off, both parents actually did better. The kids weren’t caught in the crossfire anymore.

Q: What do you say to parents who feel like they’re always the ‘bad cop’?

Green-Arndt:

You are not the “bad” parent — you’re the present one. Your child will notice, eventually. Even if the other parent is more fun or permissive, children crave consistency and safety. That’s what builds long-term trust.

I always remind parents: Your child isn’t divorcing their other parent — but they are depending on you to keep their world steady. You might not get credit for it now, but you’re laying the foundation for their mental health later on.

Q: And for the parent still hoping the alcoholic ex will turn things around?

Green-Arndt:

It is human to hope — but plan based on patterns, not promises. The best predictor of future behaviour is their past behaviour. If they’re not actively in treatment, if they’ve relapsed multiple times, then you need to make decisions based on how things are, not how you wish they’d be.

And honestly, some of the most powerful healing happens when you stop trying to fix the other parent and focus on your own journey. As I often say: “Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need a safe one.” Be that parent.

Final thoughts?

Green-Arndt:

Co-parenting with an alcoholic isn’t fair — and it’s not what anyone dreams of when they start a family. But it is possible to protect your child’s wellbeing, even when the other parent is struggling. Focus on what you can control, build your support network, and remember: you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to do it with love, and a solid boundary or two.