High-Conflict Co-Parenting

What It Is and How to Make It Easier

Co-parenting isn’t always smooth sailing, and when one or both parents can’t seem to get along, it becomes even tougher. High-conflict co-parenting is when parents argue a lot and struggle to work together. It’s hard for the parents, but even harder for the kids. Here’s what high-conflict co-parenting looks like and how you can make it a little easier.

What Is Considered High-Conflict Parenting?

High-conflict parenting happens when separated or divorced parents constantly argue instead of working as a team for their children. It’s not just the odd disagreement—it’s ongoing and can affect everyone involved. Signs of high-conflict parenting include:

• Lots of fighting over things like schedules, holidays, or rules.
• Refusing to talk or only communicating by shouting or blaming.
• Using children as messengers, like telling them to “Ask Mum about the bills.”
• Ignoring agreements or trying to “win” against the other parent.

When parents fight like this, kids can feel caught in the middle. They might feel sad, anxious, or even think it’s their fault. Research in Australia, like studies from the Australian Institute of Family Studies, shows that children who see their parents constantly arguing can struggle with their emotions and relationships as they grow up.

How to Co-Parent with a High-Conflict Parent

If you’re dealing with a toxic parent who loves to argue, don’t worry—you can still make things work. Here are some tips to keep things calmer:

1. Keep It About the Kids: Focus only on what’s best for the children. Ask questions like, “What will make the kids happiest?” rather than arguing about what’s fair for you.
2. Use an App Like CoOperate: Apps can help keep things organised. CoOperate, developed by the Co-Parenting Institute, is designed specifically for Australian families.
3. Stay Calm: If the other parent tries to start an argument, take a deep breath and don’t bite back. Say something simple like, “Let’s focus on the kids,” and leave it at that.
4. Stick to Written Communication: Talking in person can lead to more fights. Instead, use apps, texts, or emails. This also keeps a record of what was said, which can help if there’s a misunderstanding later.
5. Get Professional Help: Family mediators or counsellors can help you figure out how to co-parent without so much conflict. Sometimes an outside voice makes all the difference.

By staying calm and using tools to stay organised, you can reduce the stress of co-parenting, even with someone who’s difficult.

What Is Inappropriate Co-Parenting?

Inappropriate co-parenting is when a parent behaves in a way that hurts the kids or the co-parenting relationship. It might not always be obvious, but it can cause a lot of harm. Here are some examples:

• Speaking Badly About the Other Parent: Saying things like, “Your dad doesn’t care about you,” makes kids feel torn.
• Making Kids Pick Sides: For example, asking, “Who do you like better, Mum or Dad?” is unfair and confusing for children.
• Breaking Agreements: Not sticking to agreed schedules or changing plans without notice.
• Using Kids as Messengers: Kids shouldn’t be delivering adult messages like, “Tell your mum she owes me money.”

Kids need to feel safe and supported. When parents behave badly, it makes kids feel stuck in the middle, which can cause stress and sadness.

CoOperate: Helping Families Move Forward

The Co-Parenting Institute was created by Lisanne and Sharyn, two professionals with years of experience helping families work through conflict. They saw how hard it was for separated parents to move forward peacefully and wanted to make it easier.

After years of research and listening to feedback from families, they developed CoOperate—an app made just for the Australian market. It’s designed to help families manage co-parenting with less stress and fewer arguments.

Here’s how CoOperate can help:

• Shared Calendar: Everyone knows who’s picking up the kids and when.
• Secure Messaging: Send messages without the risk of misunderstandings. Messages cannot be altered or deleted, and a time stamped read receipt provides confirmation that your ex has received and read your message.
• Expense Tracking: Keep track of who’s paid for what, so there are no money fights.
• Document Storage: Save medical records, school reports, and other important files in one safe spot.

CoOperate gives parents the tools to stay organised and focus on what matters most—their kids.

High-conflict co-parenting is tough, but there are ways to make it better. Focus on your kids, stay calm, and use tools like the CoOperate app to stay on track. When parents find ways to work together, even if it’s hard, kids feel more secure and loved—and that’s what matters most.

References:

• Australian Institute of Family Studies (2019).
• Co-Parenting Institute: CoOperate.
• McIntosh, J., & Smyth, B. (2021). Child Inclusion in Family Mediation.