What is High-Conflict Co-Parenting?

A conversation with Family Expert Sharyn Green-Arndt, Co Founder of The Co-Parenting Institute.

Separation is rarely smooth sailing, but for some families, co-parenting after a breakup feels like one endless battleground.

To better understand the world of high-conflict co-parenting—and how parents can protect their kids and their sanity—we spoke with family expert Sharyn Green-Arndt.

Sharyn, a lot of people hear about “high-conflict co-parenting” but aren’t sure if they’re actually in it. How do you define it?

Sharyn Green-Arndt:

It’s pretty simple: high-conflict co-parenting is when there’s ongoing, persistent conflict between separated parents.

It’s not just the odd disagreement about bedtime or Christmas plans.

It’s constant arguments, power struggles, emotional landmines—often about things that shouldn’t even be controversial.

I worked with a mum, Amy, whose ex would argue about literally everything. Whether their daughter could take a raincoat to school. Whether Amy could put a note in the lunchbox. It was relentless—and exhausting for everyone, especially their child.

What kind of behaviours show up when co-parenting is high-conflict?

Sharyn:

You’ll see patterns like:

• Endless arguing over tiny issues
• Passive-aggressive texts and emails
• Cancelled visits or late handovers used to “punish” the other parent
• Kids being used as messengers or emotional pawns

One dad I supported, Steve, told me he dreaded opening his emails because every soccer practice or dentist appointment turned into a three-page character assassination from his ex.

That’s classic high-conflict: even logistical conversations become battlegrounds.

Why does this happen? Why can’t some parents just move on?

Sharyn:

There are so many reasons. Sometimes it’s about unresolved hurt—where one person is still grieving the relationship. Other times it’s about control. Some people simply can’t separate their feelings for their ex from their role as a parent.

I helped a family where the mum couldn’t forgive her ex for moving on. Every interaction became about getting the “last word” or proving he was wrong, even when it hurt their son’s sense of security.

High-conflict often stems from adults putting their own emotional needs ahead of their child’s. And honestly, it’s heartbreaking to watch.

How does all this affect the kids?

Sharyn:

It’s huge. Children stuck between two constantly fighting parents often feel anxious, guilty, torn in their loyalty, forced to grow up faster than they should.

I had a teenage girl once say to me, “It feels like no matter what I do, I’m betraying one of them.” That broke my heart.

Children shouldn’t have to carry adult emotions. They need love and stability—not drama and guilt.

If someone realises they’re dealing with a high-conflict co-parent, what should they do?

Sharyn:

The first rule is: Control what you can. You can’t force your ex to behave, but you can control how you respond.

Here’s what I recommend:

Set firm, clear boundaries.

Only engage about essentials. No rehashing old arguments. No emotional bait.

I had a client, Jason, who used to fall into hours-long arguments with his ex about “what went wrong” five years ago. Once he switched to short, factual communication, the drama lost its fuel.

Communicate in writing—and keep it brief.

Use co-parenting apps like CoOperate. Be brief, informative, friendly, and firm. We call it the BIFF method.

If they send a ten-paragraph rant, your reply can be:

“Thank you for your message. I will collect Ava at 3pm Sunday as agreed.”

That’s it. No emotional engagement. No adding petrol to the fire.

Never use your child as a messenger.

It’s tempting, I know. Especially when the other parent is ignoring your calls.

But dragging kids into adult issues damages their trust and sense of safety. It exposes them to indirect conflict between their parents, and many psychological studies have shown how incredibly harmful this can be.

Parallel parent if needed.

If real cooperation isn’t possible, parallel parenting can help.

Each parent runs their own household independently. Communication is kept to essentials only.

One family I worked with thrived after moving to parallel parenting. Once they stopped trying to agree on everything, the conflict dropped dramatically—and the kids relaxed.

Document serious issues.

If things escalate and you need legal support, having a clear, calm record of concerns (missed handovers, breaches of agreements, abusive messages) makes a massive difference.

Is it realistic to hope that things will eventually calm down?

Sharyn:

It’s possible—but it usually takes time, and sometimes help from counsellors, mediators, or parenting programs like Turning Point.

I’ve seen families turn it around.

One pair I worked with fought like cats and dogs for three years post-separation. But with counselling and a new parenting plan that reduced direct contact, they both finally focused on their daughter instead of each other.

Now they sit a few rows apart at school concerts instead of across the street giving death stares. Progress!

Any final words for parents stuck in a high-conflict co-parenting situation?

Sharyn:

I always tell parents this:

You can’t control them. But you can control yourself.

Every time you stay calm, stick to the plan, and put your child first—you are winning, no matter how it feels.

Co-parenting isn’t about proving who’s right. It’s about raising a child who feels loved, safe, and free from adult chaos.

And that’s worth every bit of strength you can muster.

If you’re struggling with high-conflict co-parenting, Sharyn recommends getting early support through mediation, parenting coordinators, or programs like Turning Point to help you create a child-focused path forward.