Can Co-Parenting Actually Work?

A conversation with family expert Sharyn Green-Arndt, Co-Founder of The Co-Parenting Institute.

When a relationship ends, especially with children involved, the big question many parents ask is: “Can we actually make co-parenting work?” For some, it sounds like a unicorn fantasy—two exes peacefully parenting together. For others, it’s a goal they’re desperate to reach but unsure how to begin.

We spoke with family expert Sharyn Green-Arndt to find out whether co-parenting is really possible—and what it looks like when it works.

Let’s start simple: can co-parenting really work after a separation?

Sharyn:

Yes, absolutely! I’ve seen it work with all kinds of families. But let me be clear—it doesn’t mean it’s easy, and it definitely doesn’t mean it’s pretty at first. It takes time, maturity, and a real shift in focus. You’re not partners anymore, but you’re still a parenting team. That’s a big mental leap for a lot of people.

I often say, co-parenting is a bit like building IKEA furniture—frustrating, confusing, occasionally missing parts—but if you stick with it and follow a structure, it actually does come together.

 

What does co-parenting really mean in practical terms?

Sharyn:

It means that both parents are still actively involved in raising their child, even after separation. You’re making decisions together—about school, health, routines—while living in separate households. It’s not about being best friends or even liking each other. It’s about being adults and putting your child first.

I like to describe it as a long-term business partnership where the shared goal is your child’s wellbeing. You don’t need to hang out or agree on everything. You just need to stay child-focused and keep things respectful.

 

What are some signs that co-parenting is working well?

Sharyn:

You’ll notice a few things. First, the communication becomes more businesslike and less emotional. You’re exchanging updates about your child without jabs or guilt-trips. Second, there’s consistency—bedtimes, schoolwork, routines are generally aligned. And most importantly, your child seems settled. They’re not acting as a messenger, they’re not anxious during handovers, and they feel free to love both parents.

I had a client, Sarah, who told me the biggest sign it was working was when her son stopped asking “Whose fault was the divorce?” and just got excited to tell both parents about his footy game. That’s a win.

 

And what are the biggest challenges you see when it isn’t working?

Sharyn:

The most common problem is when one or both parents are still emotionally stuck in the relationship—holding onto anger, blame or hurt. And that shows up in things like refusing to communicate, undermining the other parent, or competing for the child’s loyalty.

I once worked with a dad who bought his daughter a puppy—just days after his ex had said no. He didn’t do it for the child; he did it to win. That’s not co-parenting. That’s scorekeeping.

Another challenge is when parents try to be too involved in the child’s decisions. Asking kids, “Who do you want to live with?” or “Would you rather be with me this weekend?” puts a massive emotional burden on them. Kids want to be kids, not diplomats.

 

So how can someone turn that around and start co-parenting better?

Sharyn:

Start small. I always say, “You don’t have to like your ex—but you do have to respect your child’s need for both of you.” That mindset shift is huge.

Use tools that help reduce tension—like shared calendars, parenting apps (CoOperate is a good one), and written handover notes. And keep things factual. “Jess has a dentist appointment at 3pm on Thursday” is much better than “Don’t forget AGAIN about Jess’s dentist appointment.”

Stick to your agreements. Don’t make it a power struggle. And whatever you do—don’t make your child the go-between.

 

What about parents who say, ‘My ex is impossible’? Is co-parenting still an option?

Sharyn:

Sometimes, traditional co-parenting just isn’t realistic. In those cases, I suggest parallel parenting. That means each parent handles their own responsibilities during their time, with minimal interaction. It’s not ideal, but it can reduce conflict while keeping the child safe and connected to both parents.

You don’t have to fix your ex. You just have to stay calm, consistent, and focused on what you can control. I had a mum say to me once, “I stopped trying to make him parent my way, and just started doing my part the best I could.” And over time, that changed the whole tone.

 

How long does it usually take for co-parenting to feel… doable?

Sharyn:

It depends on how raw the separation was. The first few months are often rocky. You’re both adjusting, emotions are high, and your child is navigating huge changes.

But I’ve seen parents go from chaos to calm within a year—sometimes less—when they commit to putting their child first and getting support where they need it. Mediation, counselling, parenting courses such as Turning Point… they can all make a huge difference.

I always tell people: “It won’t feel like this forever.” And it won’t.

 

Any final advice for parents just starting their co-parenting journey?

Sharyn:

Breathe. You don’t need to get it perfect, just consistent. Your child doesn’t need you to be superhuman—they just need you to be steady.

Take care of yourself. In my 34 years as a therapist I’ve never seen a child cope better than their parent. They need you in a healthy state to guide them through this.

And when in doubt, ask yourself this: Is what I’m about to say or do helping my child feel loved, safe, and free to be a kid? If the answer’s no—pause, and try again.

Co-parenting isn’t about the past. It’s about the future you’re building for your child. And yes, even if things feel messy right now, you can build something good.