Can My Ex Dictate Who Is Around My Child

A conversation with Family Expert Sharyn Green-Arndt, Co-Founder of The Co-Parenting Institute.

When a relationship ends and parenting arrangements begin, one question almost always bubbles up:

“Can my ex control who’s around my child when they’re with me?”

We sat down with family expert Sharyn Green-Arndt to dive into this tricky topic—and what to do if concerns about new partners, relatives or friends start heating up.

Is it true that after separation, each parent controls who’s around the child during their time?

Sharyn:

For the most part, yes. In Australia, unless there’s a specific court order in place, each parent makes day-to-day decisions when the child is in their care. That includes where they go, what they do—and who they spend time with.

I always explain it like this: when it’s your parenting time, you’re the CEO of your household. Your ex might not like your new team members, but they don’t automatically get to veto them.

So if an ex just doesn’t like someone—say, a new partner or a housemate—that’s not enough to block it?

Sharyn:

Exactly. Personal dislike isn’t a legal reason.

I had a client—Sarah—whose ex didn’t like her new partner because he rode a motorbike and had a few tattoos. There were no safety concerns, no bad behaviour, just…bad vibes. Her ex tried to argue that their son shouldn’t be around him.
But unless you can show a genuine risk to the child’s wellbeing—like violence, abuse, serious substance misuse—the Court generally won’t intervene.

What would count as a valid reason for concern?

Sharyn:

It’s about real risks, not emotional reactions.

I had another client, Daniel. His ex introduced a new boyfriend into the home—someone with a criminal history of drug offences. Daniel didn’t kick up a fuss immediately; he went and got the facts first.

When it became clear that this person had outstanding warrants and drug issues that could endanger the kids, Daniel was able to apply to the Court to have conditions added to the parenting orders.

And the Court agreed—because there was evidence that the situation could impact the children’s safety.

What about if there’s no court order about who can be around the kids—can an ex still enforce something informally?

Sharyn:

If you haven’t put anything formal into your parenting plan or court orders, then no—each parent has full control during their time, unless urgent safety concerns arise.

But if there is a written agreement that says things like “no overnight stays with new partners for six months” or “parents must notify each other before introducing a new partner”—then that’s a different story.

Those agreements matter, and breaking them can cause real legal headaches. Although the Court would still be focused on the best interests of the child. So if no harm occurred through the breach, in my experience the Court would be unlikely to intervene.

What if someone genuinely believes their child is at risk—what should they do?

Sharyn:

First things first—gather evidence.

Gut feelings are powerful, but Courts deal in facts. Document what’s happening—dates, behaviours, concerns. If needed, contact a lawyer and apply for new or varied orders to protect the child.

I had a mum, Jess, who noticed her kids coming home from their dad’s house with stories about his new partner drinking heavily around them. She didn’t go charging into court yelling accusations. She kept notes, spoke to a family lawyer, and attended Family Dispute Resolution. When that didn’t solve it, she had the documentation she needed to show the Court there was a risk.

Is it ever smart to just “give in” to an ex’s demands to keep the peace?

Sharyn:

It depends. If the demand is reasonable—like asking for a heads-up before introducing a brand new partner to a very young child—then it’s worth considering.
But if your ex is using the child to try and control your personal life out of jealousy or anger, giving in can actually feed the conflict long-term.

The rule of thumb I give parents is:

Is this about the child’s safety and wellbeing? Or is this about an adult’s hurt feelings?

If it’s the first one, take it seriously. If it’s the second, set respectful boundaries and move forward.

So what’s your final advice for parents worried about who’s around their child after separation?

Sharyn:

Stay child-focused in every decision.

Choose people who genuinely care about your child’s wellbeing, not just people who make you feel better.

Communicate respectfully with your ex when you can—but remember: your private life isn’t automatically their business unless your choices are harming the child.

And if you’re worried, don’t fight fire with fire. Document issues, stay calm, and if necessary, get legal advice early before things spiral.

At the end of the day, the Family Court doesn’t care about petty fights. It cares about children feeling safe, secure, and loved.

And that’s something worth fighting for the right way.

Struggling with complicated post-separation arrangements? Sharyn recommends early mediation, child-focused parenting plans, and programs like “TurningPoint” to help separated families build strong, healthy routines around their children’s needs.