Co-Parenting with a Bully

“They Don’t Stop Just Because You Broke Up”: Sharyn Green-Arndt on Co-Parenting with a Bully.

When people think about co-parenting after separation, they often picture something civil — maybe not warm and fuzzy, but at least respectful. But what happens when your ex is still trying to control, criticise, or intimidate you — long after the relationship ends?

Welcome to the land of co-parenting with a bully.

We sat down with family expert Green-Arndt, who’s worked with thousands of families navigating separation. She’s helped parents deal with all kinds of exes — the ghosters, the over-sharers, the weekend heroes — but the bullies? “They’re some of the hardest to co-parent with,” she tells us. “But they’re also the ones where having the right strategy makes the biggest difference.”

Q: So, how do you know you’re not just dealing with a difficult ex — but a co-parenting bully?

Green-Arndt:

It’s about patterns. A bully doesn’t just disagree with you — they try to dominate. They criticise your parenting, ignore boundaries, constantly “change plans” to suit themselves, and blame you for any issue that arises. You’re always the problem in their story. They constantly change the narrative.

I worked with a dad, Marcus, whose ex would constantly say things like, “You never think about what’s best for the kids,” even when he was following the plan to the letter. She’d change weekends, accuse him of being disorganised, then use the confusion to paint him as unreliable to their 10-year-old. It was emotional manipulation, plain and simple.

Q: That sounds exhausting. What do you suggest for someone stuck in that kind of dynamic?

Green-Arndt:

The first step is emotional detachment. I tell my clients: respond, don’t react. Bullies want a reaction. They want to get under your skin so you look like the “unstable one”. So, we shift to calm, neutral, business-like communication.

I had a mum named Priya who was constantly being baited by her ex — long texts, passive-aggressive digs, even guilt trips like “The kids wouldn’t be acting out if they weren’t living in a broken home.” We switched all communication to a parenting app, CoOperate, where she only responded to relevant points. Everything was logged. No more long, emotional text threads. It gave her back control.

Q: So boundaries are essential, then?

Green-Arndt:

Oh, absolutely. Boundaries are your lifeline when you’re co-parenting with a bully. The trick is to set them clearly and enforce them consistently.

One client, Kelly, had an ex who kept showing up unannounced at her house to “check on the kids” — often late at night after a few drinks. She felt trapped. We created a “no drop-ins” boundary, which she communicated clearly: All visits must be agreed upon in writing in advance. Then we arranged for changeovers to happen at a neutral location — no more drama on the doorstep.

Bullies will always push, but once they realise they’re not getting the reaction they want? That’s when things start to shift.

Q: What about the children — how do you protect them from that kind of behaviour?

Green-Arndt:

You have to shield them from the conflict. Kids often pick up on more than parents realise — and bullies love to use them as messengers or emotional pawns. Don’t let it happen.

I worked with a teen girl who was told by her dad, “Your mum only cares about herself.” She ended up feeling torn and guilty for enjoying time at her mum’s house. We helped her mum create a safe space to talk about it, without bashing the dad. She said something like, “It’s OK to love both your parents. You don’t need to pick sides — and I’ll never ask you to.” That kind of emotional permission is incredibly powerful.

Q: And for the parent who feels like they’re constantly walking on eggshells — what’s your advice?

Green-Arndt:

Protect your energy. It’s hard to be the “stable one” all the time, especially when you’re managing a co-parent who’s unpredictable or controlling. Self-care isn’t fluffy here — it’s essential.

I had one dad, Josh, who used to get panic attacks before every changeover. We created a post-drop-off routine: he’d grab a coffee, listen to a specific playlist, then go for a 15-minute walk. It sounds simple, but those rituals gave him back a sense of calm.

Also — document everything. If things escalate, you’ll want records. Keep a log of dates, messages, no-shows, inappropriate behaviour. It’s not about revenge; it’s about protection.

Q: Do you ever see co-parenting bullies change? Or is it just about managing the situation?

Green-Arndt:

Look, some people do change — especially if they seek help. If I didn’t believe that people could change, I couldn’t do my job. But that can’t be your responsibility or your expectation. Your focus has to be on creating a safe, consistent environment for your kids. That often means parallel parenting — you live your life, they live theirs, and interaction is kept to a minimum.

I worked with a mum, Jess, whose ex used to criticise everything: lunchboxes, bedtime routines, even the shampoo she used. Eventually, she realised — she didn’t need his approval. She just needed her daughter to feel safe and loved. Once she stopped engaging in the drama, the power balance shifted dramatically.

Q: Final thoughts? For the parent reading this who’s deep in it and barely hanging on?

Green-Arndt:

First — you’re not imagining it. This is hard. Co-parenting with a bully can make you question your sanity. But you can take back control. You can create boundaries, protect your child’s emotional wellbeing, and build a peaceful life — even if the other parent refuses to change.

And remember: your child isn’t just watching how your ex treats you. They’re watching how you respond — with calm, courage and consistency. That’s the legacy you’re building.